Yeah Ramadan this year is different…
I was really tired the month before Ramadan. My soul has declared the state of emergency since my spiritual reservoir was dramatically draining. I said to myself…Okay Lina, WAIT… WAIT … All your problems… All your problems will be fixed during Ramadan.
Waiting for Ramadan month was my mania. Since January, I was calculating the day… I mean the first day for fasting. How many days are left?! Oh my dear month come quickly!
All of us every year encountered a serial of problems that shot us forming hollow gaps in our hearts.
What we gain are heavy hearts full of sadness, concerns, and worries.
All of us every year wore the same shaggy souls, second-hand souls worn by the Old You.
And what we gain are rough, harsh and coarse souls.
Without a cure for the soul and for the heart, we will definitely be distorted people.
Ramadan was the purification month for the corruption that pervades both my entire heart and soul. Ramadan was my definition of tranquility and tolerance. It was… Ramadan was…
BUT… What happened to me?!
Actually, I don’t know…
When people around me said there’s no excuse for you to say: you are tired. OH, people… I am not trying even to say I am tired because of fasting. I feel that I am just like the person who fast and gets nothing from the fast but hunger. A person who prays at night but gets nothing from the prayer but sleeplessness.
My final exams were in the first four days of Ramadan. I was fasting during those days. I was reminding myself that I will gain calmness after finishing my exams although the mood of exams was dominant. This daily encouragement was like a notification message that pops up in front of my eyes: After your exams, you will revive.
After my final exams….
No bright or rosy news.
I don’t feel the previous feelings of fasting, praying and reading Quran. What’s happening to me?! I go to the masjid for Taraweeh(Night Prayer) but I will be such a sleepy person who stands to pray then will fall on the floor at any time. Luckily, the two women beside me are like prison guards who won’t let me even bow.
Am I weak? What happened to me?
Last year; The previous Ramadan. With the help of Allah, I was so strong person. I was taking -at summer semester- two most complex courses at my major. After Suhour, I pray Fajir then begin studying, go to the university at 8:00 am and return back to home at 2:00 pm. Of course so tired however so ambitious.
One lonely hour to sleep was my great drug. Again, studying and waiting for Maghrib to eat Futoor. I was extremely happy those days. Going to Taraweeh then return back and sleep at 11:30 pm. Wake up to Suhoor at 3:00 am… whooh…. Sleeping nearly four hours every day during this whole month. Yeah, my colleagues and my friends said that I am crazy yet I was happy doing all that study-stuff during Ramadan.
This year I didn’t take summer semester in order to spend this month for strengthening my relationship with my creator. What I frankly realized that my eyes don’t store tears…